Knives Out! How Realizing I Have ADHD at Age 37 Helped Me Be a Better Human
"You're such a scatterbrain!"
"Just get organized!"
"Your house is such a mess."
"YOU CAN'T KEEP LEAVING THE KNIVES OUT!"
These are a few of the statements I've heard my whole life. I struggle to remember where I put things, I struggle to stay organized or clean and I struggle to remember that my home is now also home to a small force of chaos who absolutely cannot be allowed access to the knives.
When I was a kid, my mom and I were constantly at odds because of how messy and forgetful I was. Now that I'm married, my husband and I are constantly at odds because I can never find my phone (which is also my wallet) and I frequently forget to put away objects that could be potentially dangerous to our 4 year old. For most of my life, I assumed this was because I was at best "forgetful" or "lazy," and at worst simply "less than" compared to other people. I struggled often in my career due to a lack of focus and attention to detail. When I became a teacher; however, I excelled. I was teaching my students about parodies one day when I stumbled upon this video-an hysterically relatable parody about the struggles of having ADHD as an adult. As I listened to the lyrics, I checked off each ADHD trait that I possessed.
Me, a self-aware creature, realizing almost all my life struggles are caused by my ADHD.
After that video, the realizations came in a tidal wave of self awareness. After I realized everyone's brain is not like my own, it put a lot of things in perspective for me. A number of realizations followed.
My Mom and I Were Frequently At Odds...But Aren't Anymore
Growing up, my mom and I constantly argued over one major issue-tidiness. I am not a tidy person (despite so badly wanting to be) and my mom is obsessively clean. Acknowledging my neuro-divergence opened my eyes and my brain up to considering the ways other people's brains might be similar and different than my own. I thought about my mom's obsessive tidiness and cautiously asked her, "Mom, don't take this the wrong way, but I have a question for you and I mean no judgement at all. Do you think you might...have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"
Instead of getting mad at me, she surprised me by laughing.
"Courtney," she said, "You've known me for 37 years and you're just now figuring this out?"
Now that I know our brains work in very opposite ways, I have more patience and room for understanding. I know she's not nagging me, her brain is nagging her.
I Was a Terrible Student...But Now I'm a Great Teacher
In high school, I was an honor student who put little effort into my studies. Most things came easily and naturally for me and when they didn't, I lost interest almost immediately. I got into a highly competitive business school at an esteemed university. In college, I was good at two things-bartending and barely skirting academic probation. I struggled with my studies. The content was challenging and my brain was ill-equipped to handle that much of a challenge for more than about 20 minutes. I just assumed I wasn't as smart as everyone else. My dad assumed I was "lazy" and "didn't have the study skills" I needed. When I started making a lot of money bartending, my beleaguered father (who was paying for my education) comforted himself with the knowledge that I'd least I'd learned one marketable skill in four years.
I floated around and was chronically under-employed for years following my graduation. I never could quite find my place. In one financial firm, I worked with educators and I realized that the part of my job I liked best (and was the best at) was training others. I got my teaching certificate and I went into education. I set a few hardline rules I set for myself-keep a detailed planner and never let the kids hand me assignments (which I would inevitably set down while I addressed another student, thus losing the work into the great beyond). Teaching is constant stimulation; there is always a question to answer, a lesson to tweak, another *thing* to do. My ADHD brain excelled and my kids rarely got bored.
My Energy Levels Border on Manic...So I Take Advantage
I am a HIGHLY productive person...when I want to be. When I HAVE THE ENERGY to be. But my energy levels wax and wane in unpredictable cycles. Sometimes I wake up at 4:30am and absolutely GRIND; People marvel at my productivity. Those are the days where I work until I absolutely fall over. Other days, I can't drag myself out of bed until 9:30. This used to be a point of great shame for me; I thought I was just lazy and worthless on those 9:30 days.
My self-esteem waxed and waned along with my productivity because they used to be inextricably tied to one another. When I accepted that these highs and lows were tied to my neurodivergence, I finally felt like I could give myself permission to separate my self-worth from my ability to get things done. When I wake up ready to get after it at 4:30, I get as much done as I possibly can and I give myself permission to rest the next day if I need to.
I still struggle to stay focused on tasks or subjects I'm not interested in. I often forget to send thank you cards or send birthday presents on time. But I'm understanding myself more and showing myself the grace that I have always been able to show to others. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm making progress. Much to the chagrin of my husband though, I'm still constantly looking for my cell phone and leaving the knives out.
